you are the best food for me.

on such a winter day
21 décembre 2011, 6.30
Filed under: Français

Californie, eh?

C’est l’automne ici les feuilles couvrent les trottoirs et personne ne s’en rend compte tout le monde est dans une auto grise zoom zoom dans les boulevards si larges que traverser la rue. Pfeh. Je me promène Berkeley Oakland San Francisco Palo Alto, le grand bâton. La baie, le monde de la vallée du silicone la technologie partout les iTruc et iMachin. moiTruc moiMachin.

La Californie. Terre promise, oh, avec raison, Californie paradis de nourriture fraîche organique locale nourriture qui fait plaisir au ventre qui fait plaisir à la langue hmm Californie, l’abondance le délice le climat superbe Californie la mer la baie la montagne. Arriver en Californie est presque comme arriver au paradis- arriver dans le monde auquel tant de gens ont rêvé la Californie l’or les fruits arrivée en Californie je pense aux raisins de la colère à ceux qui ont tout laissé derrière pour vivre la Californie vivre le rêve. Il est facile d’y croire à Palo Alto au monde parfait à San Francisco dans l’abondance il est possible de croire que l’argent achète le bonheur.

Mais en Californie le vrai bonheur la vraie raison d’y être en Californie c’est le rayon de soleil qui entre par la fenêtre tombe dans les cheveux de Rosie. Ithaka et le poème dit ask that your way be long. Peut-être je dirais que même si j’y suis restée longtemps peut-être que, en fait, c’est vrai que mon chemin a été long. Reste que maintenant que j’y suis arrivée c’est comme retourner à la maison les feuilles couvrent les trottoirs celles des arbres celles qui sont rouge vif j’en ai ramassé une je l’ai posée sur mon étagère dans la chambre vide que j’ai décidé d’utiliser c’est la première fois que j’ai une chambre depuis que je suis partie de Montréal. Je suis chez moi de nouveau dans une maison immense remplie de cerveaux remplie de, oh, d’amour?

La maison est vide maintenant presque vide Andi fait ses valises elle va en Inde Reba est dans son lit elle va faire du camping près de la côte Rosie dort devant le foyer les braises sont éteintes il fait froid soudainement son chandail bleu rayé une moue de sommeil sur les lèvres.


6 décembre 2011, 8.02
Filed under: English

So many things would deserve the name weird right now maybe it’s almost so many they can’t be enumerated. Last night I saw Martin for the last time for maybe forever and there it was the relationship suddenly it had to come to a halt. With him especially with many people especially that relationship it had grown and maybe for once I would say it wasn’t too rapidly maybe for once I would say that we had made it happen with very careful small footsteps and that it was of course making everything harder no? because when you go so slowly the roots they become deeper and then you need to pull them out or maybe you just need to cut the visible parts of the plant and know that the roots are still there the question is how big is the field?

Oh I did see Maite sing she has a gorgeous voice she was, well, she was sexy on this stage far away in front of me she has strikes of red in her hair feathers and she was singing I had stayed for that when she told me the date I made my life revolve around it for a few days but if it wasn’t for that maybe things would have been different how does it matter now it’s all the past.

What I’m trying to say is that it’s the end of something, oh you know you try to pretend it’s not the end simply life is continuing how could it be The End when I’m still alive- well it’s the end anyhow however much I’m lying to myself this chapter is coming to an end maybe in a few weeks in a few months I’ll look back and tell you when the climax happened I’m not sure right now. I arrived here a different person, no the same person with a different head, no the same person with different conceptions of life yes and then I (I say this proudly, because I decided I deserve to) made things happen I took myself in my own hands shook me like a tree a pear tree – of course a pear tree pears are so delicious here (still! I can’t believe they have been consistently delicious since July) – and fell off a few cool-looking bugs, a few leaves some broken branches and other pears that got rapidly attacked and dissected by ants transported to other corners and maybe even a few people stopped under the tree picked a pear and walked away smilingly biting into it all the juices running from their mouth. I haven’t changed I realised that when I called home the other day things hadn’t changed and I smiled softly and said you are all the same people and they answered you too I knew they were right but sometimes I’m so busy changing life that I forget the people I haven’t seen for a while the ones I left behind I think they’ve become different of sameness but, no.

What to say about Buenos Aires about Latin America about the fear that one that was so big I couldn’t handle it crossing the border into Mexico it was eight months ago crossing into Tijuana with George on George’s motorcycle he brought me to the bus station I bought him a Coca-Cola I said they make it with real sugar in Latin America I said here it is also made with blood we drank it it was refreshing. On the bus after there had been a film about a rape gang that kidnapped young women and killed their life I sat there I was panicking. And then this and that and now happened it’s always now but this now is the end of what started when I was on George’s motorcycle running around the Mexican border trying to get my passport stamped not understanding a word of Spanish until now now when a week ago when at my party Martin’s friend would take me aside and say Gabrielle you don’t speak Spanish you speak Porteño this is unbelievable.  People leave to travel to try and find themselves that’s what I did I thought it was a mistake until I bumped into myself on the street she told me though there’s a few of us running around I shouldn’t get too excited I found her she doesn’t know exactly how many but we’re a small gang it turns out.

So there I’m crying of course I’ve received much and much love so much love in so many different ways I could blame it on the latin blood how much people get attached to each other here but it wouldn’t explain this band of Californians it wouldn’t explain why I got so attached to them – to all of them with their differences. I think it’s just life right? What do I know I’m just a monkey with a new pair of shoes.

I’m not sure how I should say goodbye to Buenos Aires. I think I’ll do it sneakily I’ll say hey see you later as if I believed it and then walk away. There’s no other way really there isn’t. See you around Buenos Aires. I love you.